My Model Romance

Megara - setting impossible standards
since 1997.

Dear reader, I have a confession to make – I am not a catch. My experience with the fairer sex is limited to say the least. Over the past 9 months I could count on one hand the entirety of my intimate encounters; with said hand belonging to an Iraqi thief. Although I subscribe this unrelenting loneliness to my failings as a man/lover/remotely interesting human being (delete as appropriate), external critics have the audacity to claim that unattainable standards are the true cause of my reclusive longevity. Poppycock I say! Pish posh! And other such snobbish onomatopoeia.

True, my standards may be somewhat ambitious but they’re far from impossible. I’m not asking for Aphrodite, but nor am I willing to settle for Medusa. As a matter of fact I’d be prepared to forego many of my stipulations provided that she/it is at least able to emerge the loser in a Janet Street porter-lookalike competition. That being said, I thought this would be the ideal platform on which to describe my dream woman should she ever stumble across this blog, which admittedly is about as likely as Osama bin Laden receiving the Nobel Peace Prize. Then again, they did give it to this man.

Personality: A sense of humour is the number one priority. If the words of Frankie Boyle make her recoil in politically correct horror, she is not the girl for me. She must be creative, open-minded and staunchly conservative. Independent enough to trust her own opinions but intelligent enough to agree with mine.

See: Sarah Silverman, Tina Fey, Jennifer Saunders

Appearance: Facial hair is a definite turn-off, as is a police record. I am quite partial to a few tattoos and some red hair – basically Gwen Stefani before she turned old. Oh and her chest should be of a size capable of intimidating a small child.

See: Monica Bellucci, Christina Ricci, Jessica Rabbit

Ethnicity: To quote David Brent, I’d do most nationalities. Like all socially inept young men I have a strong preference for East Asians of the submissive ilk, the Japanese being my favourite. I’ve also developed a slight crush on black women of late, although if it is indeed true that once you go black you’ll never go back, I may turn out to be the biggest disappointment since Spider-man 3 (2007).

See: Rosario Dawson, Salma Hayek, Zhang Ziyi

Religion: Preferably without, or at least none-practicing – so most Christians then. Actually, provided she doesn’t follow the anti-Semitic teachings of a certain book (mentioning no names but it rhymes with one half of Duran Duran), I’d be willing to overlook anyone’s irrational belief in a higher power, providing that I’m able to ridicule and critique it at any given moment.

See: Richard Dawkins

Phwooar! There's nothing sexier than an atheist.