Tuesday, 12 October 2010


Postmodernism, consumerism, feminism,
blah blah blah...

When Descartes wrote the immortal words Cogito ergo sum* (I think therefore I am), he believed he had established the bedrock on which all future speculation about the nature of reality could be built. Unfortunately, he went on to use it as an axiom as evidence of God’s existence which would be referred to by today’s youth as an epic fail – not to mention the solipsists and absurdists who take a very sceptical stance on any proof regarding reality. That being said, I’ve compiled a small list of things to look out for should you ever find yourself struggling to make a distinction between the real world and that of the movies.

*His actual words were “I think. I am” – someone unnecessarily added the conjunction therefore.

1) Don’t rush into things. Wait until that special someone is at the airport and about to board a plane before declaring your love.

2) Once a new gadget has been demonstrated for a secret agent, he or she is guaranteed to use it in their next mission. Interestingly, the same gadget will never be required in a future mission.

3) When the pesky 8 year old kid beckons you with the phrase “Come and get me”, it’s clearly a trap.

4) Although minor henchmen can be knocked unconscious with a single punch, the exact same technique is utterly useless against major characters.

5) Whilst being chased through a busy street, never circumvent people. Instead, push them out of the way in order to slow yourself down.

6) When that person tasked with tracking you down finally exits the room, jump out from your hiding place immediately – there’s absolutely no way he’ll return.

7) In order to increase efficiency, detectives with absolutely nothing in common are often paired together.

8) All English people are either posh or cockney. NB: This does not apply to working class dramas which most certainly will take place up north.

9) There are no fat or unattractive people in LA.

10) The number one priority during any alien invasion: Destroy the world’s landmarks.

11) Following an argument, it is perfectly normal to leave before touching the drink/meal you paid good money for.

12) During a phone conversation, a person will often repeat the information just given to them.

13) After knocking the killer unconscious, escape without finishing him off. (If possible, also leave his weapon behind).

14) When holed up with survivors during a zombie apocalypse, be careful; one of them has been bitten and is slowly transforming. On the plus side, nine times out of ten they’ll save your life by choosing to stay behind and blow themselves up rather than risk becoming one of them

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