Confessions Of A Christmas Temp

Currently facing disciplinary action

Today I completed my second shift at Toys R Us, which, all syntactical incoherency aside, is actually quite an enjoyable place to work. So far my job has consisted of placing toys on shelves, an act which not only allows me to flex my woefully underused forearms but also provides me with a plethora of ideas for this year’s Christmas presents. I’ve been assigned to Universe of Imagination, or ‘UOI’ for those in the know, and it’s ideal for many reasons. For one thing it is largely secluded from the rest of the store, so I needn’t be bothered by other staff members visiting my island with their half-baked notions of becoming acquainted with the new guy – Honestly, what kind of person do they think I am? Secondly, their decision to place me in the art section was inspired as it affords me the opportunity to browse one of my favourite subjects, although I can’t help but think my thick framed glasses played a part in landing me in the nerdy area. Finally, my strategic position beside the multimedia department means that I get to watch girls embarrass themselves in front of their boyfriend with Playstation Move, trailers for Donkey Kong Country Returns and a video of Jamie Cullum humming the Mario theme. Admittedly, that last one isn’t a particular high point.

Spell checker would have a field day

Surprisingly, my distaste for the general public has remained largely dormant up to this point, although this clearly won’t be the case a month from now when single mothers take it out on me because they can’t afford a Buzz Lightyear for Christmas due to having spent their benefits on take-aways and crack. Fa la la la la, la la la. Actually, there were a few individuals today who made me wish I knew the correct way to deliver a headbutt; one woman to whom I offered assistance looked at me like I’d just asked for her wallet and jewellery; another family, after seeing their “delightful” little gremlin drop his crisps all over the floor, hastily moved on without even acknowledging what the little pramchair-bound antichrist had done. Thankfully, there were more positives than negatives to prevent me from having a Michael Douglas-inspired, Falling Down (1993) moment. Old people continue to keep the jigsaw business afloat, staunchly defying modern technology in favour of card cut into shapes. No actually it’s really quite sweet. Plus it helps me to forget that they’ll probably be dead before Christmas.

In other news, the music is really quite fabulous. So far I’ve sung to The Lightening Seeds, The Lighthouse Family and Simply Red. For a toy store, the choice of audio is really quite old-fashioned (which suits me down to the ground) though I am growing rather tiresome of the theme tune which gives constant praise to Geoffrey, an employee I’ve yet to meet. Still, it’s not all bad; today I spotted my first paedophile.